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Transcripts are available for all of our past live events with medical experts, authors, and celebrities. See all the transcripts. |
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John Gray, Ph.D.
Healthy Relationships
John Gray, Ph.D., has been credited with saving hundreds of thousands of marriages. He has written 10 wildly popular books exploring every aspect of improving relationships, including the worldwide bestseller, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. His latest title, Children Are from Heaven, discusses positive parenting. John Gray visited PlanetRx on Tuesday, April 25, 2000. Learn more about John Gray. This is an edited transcript of the chat.
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PRx Host : |
Welcome to PlanetRx.com's live events. Today's guest is John Gray, best-selling relationships author. He is the author of one of the seminal texts on communication across the gender divide, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Thank you for joining us, Dr. Gray!
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John Gray : |
It's my pleasure. Thank you for inviting me.
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PRx Host : |
Dr. Gray, you have been credited with saving hundreds of thousands of marriages. Clearly your message is resounding among many, many people. What is the most important thing you have taught people about relationships?
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John Gray : |
The secret to improving relationships is to understand where your partner is coming from so that communication is more effective. What makes my approach unique is that it is nonjudgmental. As long as we resist our partners as if something's wrong with them, or as if they don't love us, or as if we can't get what we need, then -- simply put -- we won't get what we need. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus gives practical insights to bring out the best in your partner as well as to bring out the best in you.
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PRx Host : |
Why do you think it is so hard for us to be nonjudgmental?
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John Gray : |
We've all been raised by judgmental parents. Most parents, because they didn't have the new communication skills, used criticism, punishment, threats, and disapproval to motivate their children to obey. Dogs and other animals should not even be treated that way.
Fortunately, new skills are now available to inspire and motivate our children to cooperate without needing to manipulate them with threats of punishment or guilt. This beautiful new approach is explored and described in my recent book, Children Are from Heaven. One of the reasons parents have difficulty managing their kids is that there are four different temperaments. If the parent's temperament happens to be the same as the child's, then that child becomes "the easy child" or "the dream child." This easy parenting relationship occurs because the child and parent are so alike that communication is often effective without any training for the parent.
But, if a child's temperament is different from the parent's temperament, then the way a parent automatically and instinctively communicates will not work with this child who has a different temperament. As a result, the child becomes uncooperative and then the only way the parent can maintain control is through punishment, which ultimately creates fear and guilt in our children. Generally speaking, no parent these days really wants to punish their children. They just don't know another way.
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PRx Host : |
Let's turn to a question from the audience:
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Hoffer : |
I hear what you are saying about using disapproval to motivate children. This is kind of an off-shoot question. What do you think about this concept of "time-out" for kids? My sister visited and put my niece in time-out where she sat in the corner of the room. I am just wondering what your thoughts are on that?
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John Gray : |
I think a time-out such as that was probably embarrassing and humiliating to the child. This is just as hurtful as a guilt trip or beating your child. There are healthy ways to give time-outs. Take the child into another room and have them stay in that room for a specific limited amount of time, one minute for every year old is about all it ever takes.
If a child is unmanageable, uncooperative, resistant, unwilling to listen, then it's time for a time-out. To put a child in a time-out as punishment does not work. But if they're not hearing your request, then a brief time-out will create an opportunity for them to safely throw a tantrum or resist you, without controlling the situation. In this way, by putting a child in another room, the child actually experiences permission to express their resistance, but the parents remain in control. It's never healthy for children to think they are or to be in control of the parent.
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AmandaRuth : |
What influences whether a parent has the same temperament as a child?
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John Gray : |
Nothing. They are born that way. There's no way to predict or control it. As you read about the four temperaments, you'll see a little bit of each temperament in each child. But clearly, one temperament dominates.
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PRx Host : |
What are the four temperaments?
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John Gray : |
The first temperament is Active. Children with active temperaments often act without thinking and want to be the center of attention. If they don't get enough acknowledgement, appreciation, responsibility, and supervision, then they become dominant in an abusive manner. They clearly must always get the message that the parents are the boss, and then they're very cooperative. When an active child is punished, it makes him/her much more uncooperative in the long run. In my experience of teaching workshops in prison, 80% of the criminals, at a minimum, have active temperaments. These children have a great potential to be compassionate leaders or destructive gang leaders and criminals.
The second temperament is Sensitive. Children with sensitive temperaments are easily hurt. They have a much greater need to communicate their feelings, talk about their mishaps and misery. They tend to be very melancholic and very sentimental; they wear their feelings on their sleeves. This child is almost the opposite of the child with an active temperament. When an active-temperament child gets hit in the head with a football, he/she hardly even notices. When the sensitive child scrapes a knee or gets hit by a ball, everything needs to stop. These children need lots of attention, Band-Aids, and attention to their boo-boos. They need to talk about their feelings, and if a parent is good at asking questions and being understanding, these kids bounce back very quickly, very happily.
The third temperament is Responsive. This child needs lots of stimulation through a variety of distractions presented in different ways. They feel secure and cooperative. They tend to be happy kids, happy-go-lucky, but in their wake, they leave a big mess of unfinished tasks. If parents don't understand the unique needs of this child, they try to force this child to finish things or stay with things longer than they can. It's healthy for this child to move from one thing to another. Getting a responsive child to clean up his/her room is practically an impossible task. Parents can make it fun by joining in and making it fun.
The fourth temperament is Receptive. These children cooperate as long as everything is just as they expected. Any changes cause resistance. They need regularity much more than the other types.
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PRx Host : |
Our audience has some relationship questions:
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WilliamAhern : |
You have a list of about 100 things a husband can/should do for his spouse. My wife keeps referring to this, but it's such a long list it's hard to get started. Do you have a top three for a phase one?
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John Gray : |
The first thing is to read books. That will make her very happy. So many women tell me when I travel, "My husband actually went out and bought the book." It makes women feel so special. If you don't have time to read a book, or you don't often read books, then get the audio cassette. Please, though, get the unabridged audio cassette.
In the chapter that lists 101 ways to make your partner happy, the main point is that little things make women happy. Never try to do the whole list. Ask her to take 10 items on the list and prioritize them, one to 10, with 10 being her favorite. Then, over the next few months, experiment. Try doing those 10 things. It's amazing how doing little things, when they happen to be what she wants, can make such a big difference. Men don't instinctively realize this because for us, one big thing scores 100 points, and one little thing scores one point. For women, 100 things, big or small, score 100 points, and one thing, big or small, scores only one point.
The secret of making a woman happy, without feeling like your efforts go unappreciated, is to do a lot of easy and little things. Say "I care." If you want my suggestion on the first three things, 1) listen to the tape, 2) every morning, greet her with a hug and when you return home, give her a hug and randomly show a little affection, and 3) buy some beautiful cut flowers, and right before they die, make sure you get some more.
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PRx Host : |
Thank you! I'm sure WilliamAhern's wife will be very pleased!
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Dan : |
What about the top three things a woman should do to please her man?
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John Gray : |
Number one, read the book so you can understand how men are different. Number two, recognize that whatever you resist about your partner will only become more intense. Number three, don't expect him to remember what you want. He's from another planet. And even if you tell him once, he will forget. If you want something more, don't complain. Ask as if you never asked before. And only ask for a little more and make sure that you appreciate whatever you get.
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Bubbles556 : |
I was hoping you could give me some insight into why a Martian would openly flirt in the presence of his wife on every occasion possible and how the Venusian should respond/react. My husband seems to make a habit of this, and it is very annoying, to say the least.
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John Gray : |
Flirting is probably what won you over in the first place. Some men enjoy flirting. Those who don't just don't know how. It's actually a lot of fun. It's a good thing that your husband likes women. That's why he liked you. Certainly, he could be going overboard in such a way that embarrasses you. If that's the case, make sure when you talk to him that you're not judging him for his playful interest in other women. But let him know that if you're present, it's embarrassing when it seems as though he's more interested in some other woman than you. A playful elbow to the ribs could be your signal. As my wife once told me, "It's OK to look, John. But don't drool."
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Sindia : |
Sometimes when you are upset or angry, it is difficult to approach your partner nonjudgmentally. Do you have any suggestions on the best way to broach these types of situations without ending up in a needless argument?
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John Gray : |
Yes! Almost all arguments are clearly a waste of time. If they were productive, they wouldn't go on and on and on. One useful skill for couples who argue is to stop talking. In this case, it's communication that ruins their relationship. They need to talk less, slow down, and write out, for 10 minutes, their whole perspective. Give it to their partner, and then their partner writes for 10 minutes, giving their perspective. Then, after a day of thinking about this particular exchange, they can attempt to talk about it. A variation of this technique has been taught at very successful marriage encounter workshops, as well as in my "Mars/Venus" one-day workshops which are taught around the world by 500 different facilitators, personally trained by me. The schedule of these workshops, as well as my weekly columns, is available on Marsvenus.com.
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Cindy : |
My fiancé is so hard to get to communicate, even though I've left him printed articles about communication, etc. Is it hopeless? Albeit he's a lot quieter than I am anyway, but it really drives me nuts when I ask him something and he doesn't respond! Help!
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John Gray : |
It may be hopeless, I would need more information. But from what you say, it's pretty common. Clearly, many women share your frustration with their partners. In Men Are from Mars, I explain the importance of timing. Sometimes, a man is open to talking and will answer your questions. On other times, he's not. I call it "cave time" when he's not open. Read about "Mars and Venus Together Forever" for information regarding more specific communication skills to know when a man is in his cave and how to wake him up with the smell of honey. Arouse him from his sleep with honey!
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aliss : |
My boyfriend is very confusing. One day he acts like he just has to be around me, and the next day he acts like he wants nothing to do with me. Any insight?
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John Gray : |
Chapter 6 in Men Are from Mars: men are like rubber bands. To feel their stretch and their attraction to you, they first have to pull away. Then they miss you and they can't wait to spend time with you. Once they have you, the rubber band goes limp. They need to pull away before springing back once again. This is a natural rhythm in anyone who has high testosterone levels. There are a few women who also have high testosterone levels, and they will relate to this natural back-and-forth action.
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MrBilly : |
Is the difference between men and women mostly genetics or societal influence?
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John Gray : |
There is no debate, there is no argument, those who debate this subject are blatantly foolish. My 6-year-old daughter can simply understand that boys and girls are different, and of course we are all conditioned to be exactly the way we turn out. What I see happening today in the world, when a man is displaying some dysfunctional behavior, that was the result of the conditioning and the foolish messages put into him by society and his parents. When women display dysfunctional behavior, it is also the result of conditioning.
With the right kind of parenting -- positive, loving, nonjudgmental messages -- boys turn out to be quite wonderful gentleman, with tremendous strengths and compassion. But they're very different from women. Women, when raised properly, turn out very different from men. However, they are also very strong and compassionate. A healthy man or woman can do the same job, create the same results, but will do it in a different way. Vive la difference, and let's try to lighten the negative conditioning that we've all received!
Here's one example: Boys are taught that it's OK to have lots of sex. A dad will often say to his son, if he finds him sleeping around, "Good job. Be proud." If he discovers his daughter has been sleeping around, suddenly, no one seems to be very proud at all, and society judges her to be a slut or a little whore. It's no wonder, then, with this kind of conditioning, that people think women are less interested in sex than men.
Actually, biologically, women are much more interested in sex than men. Historically, it has been women who wanted sex more than men, but in the messages of society, over the last couple of thousand years, the sexual interest of women has been suppressed. When you take away the supply, the demand becomes greater. So men began wanting it more. This is all a mess created by conditioning. There are many more examples, but this is my favorite.
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PRx Host : |
Ever since my boyfriend and I moved into together, our sex life has washed out. I love him for other things too, but that was really important. Why do you think that happened?
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John Gray : |
For a variety of reasons. If he became disinterested first, it could be that you're not giving him enough space, freedom, independence -- or it could be that he simply is not taking enough freedom, and spending time away. For sustained passion in a relationship, it's important to maintain your separate and private lives. You come together to share who you are and create a special life private from the world together.
It could also be that things you said have been too mothering and he's been turned off. It could also be that several times he wanted to have sex and you needed to do something else or you had a headache. Perhaps the kitchen was a mess, or you had to call somebody up. While you didn't realize it, this might have made him feel rejected, if he had to wait and it seemed like someone else was more important.
This does not imply that if a man wants sex, that you should lie down and say, "All right." Of course, if it were possible, that would make him very happy. I certainly would want to do the same for my partner. However, it's not correct to ever demand sex from our partner, or feel obligated to have sex with our partner. Therefore, if he wants it and you don't, these are some options: In an upbeat way, say, "That sounds like a great idea. Let's do it later tonight," or "Oh darn! I promised so-and-so something. I'll try to get out of it. But if I can't, what if we do it tomorrow morning?"
Considerate statements of this kind go a long way to nurture your partner's interest. In addition, if you're on friendly terms with your partner, and he/she is interested in having sex, and you don't have much time, or you're not fully into it, just let them know. "I don't have much time, so we can do a quickie," or "I'm not really into it, but I'm happy to satisfy you." These kinds of considerations are what make passion last in a relationship and a marriage.
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Lettie : |
My boyfriend cheated on me several months ago. We discussed it, and I forgave him, but I find myself wanting to bring it up sometimes when we fight about other things. How can we move past this issue?
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John Gray : |
Clearly, once you forgive your partner, it's inappropriate to bring it up again. Do your very best not to bring it up, but if it comes out of your mouth at a moment of little control, it's OK. Simply apologize and he'll forgive you. If you feel a real need to continue talking about it, find a therapist and talk to them. If you're interested in finding a counselor trained in my approach, you can call 1-888-MARSVENUS (888-627-7836). You may also log onto my website, Marsvenus.com, to see a complete listing and description of these different counselors around the country and the world who are trained in the Mars/Venus approach.
It's been a real privilege and honor to share with you today. Thank you very much.
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PRx Host : |
The pleasure was all ours! Thank you so much for joining us this afternoon! And thank you all in the audience for joining us today.
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More About John Gray, Ph.D.
John Gray, Ph.D. literally wrote the book on relationships. His worldwide bestseller,  Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (HarperCollins, 1992), has sold more than six million copies in the United States alone, and expanded the nation's perception of what it takes to have a healthy, successful relationship.
In addition to TV and radio engagements, Gray has lectured to more than 500,000 people over the course of his 20-year career. He has appeared on "Oprah," "The Today Show," "The View," "The Roseanne Show," and more. In 1997, Barbara Walters hosted a two-hour special on ABC entitled "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, but We Have to Live on Earth," based on his work. He also writes an internationally syndicated column, "John Gray's Mars and Venus," published in Canada, Mexico, and Israel, as well as the U.S.
John Gray, Ph.D., is a certified family therapist, a fellow and diplomat of the American Board of Medical Psychotherapists and Psychodiagnosticians, and a member of the Distinguished Advisory Board of the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. John Gray's website is http://www.marsvenus.com.
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